


Bad Television: Contrived Sitcoms and Cheesy Romcoms

by Hells Bartender (Firebog)



Series: This Is Not The Series You Were Looking For [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Bad Jokes, Plot Devices, Polyamory, Ridiculous, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-07 22:32:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4280388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Hells%20Bartender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a joke I said a/b/o fics needed their own terrible tv/movies. These will be them. They will be terrible. But hopefully terrible in a so bad it's funny way.</p><p>This will slowly be filled with a series of unrelated one shots that are basically cliché romcoms, sitcoms, etc but with an a/b/o bent.</p><p>First fic: A cheesy romantic comedy about a beta who is boring and clumsy and an alpha/omega couple who think it's adorable.</p><p>(This is basically advanced world building for my fic You're Not The One I Was Looking For)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Television: Contrived Sitcoms and Cheesy Romcoms

**Author's Note:**

> As stated in the description this is advanced world building for one of my other fics [You're Not The One I Was Looking For ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2403725/chapters/5315585). You can read these without reading that. Each chapter will be a one shot set in that verse but they require no understanding of the plot of that fic. 
> 
> These are the things you need to know to understand these fics: alphas and betas that carry the alpha gene are predisposed to magic and have a "Talent" for one in particular. Angels and demons exist alongside humans. Angels and demons are the ones with the wacky a/b/o biology going on, humans are not. Most angels and demons strive to form a three person relationship: alpha/beta/omega but alpha/beta, beta/beta, alpha/beta/beta, and beta/beta/beta are acceptable alternatives. All other relationship combinations are viewed as 'different' (basically think of alpha/beta/omega and the above mentioned alpha/beta combinations as the heteronormative bias in this world). Stereotypes: alphas are providers, betas are tidy and organized, omegas are polite and a little whimsical and definitely need an alpha _and_ a beta to take care of them.

Castiel was a very average beta. Tidy. Calm. Well Mannered. No Talent.

In short, Castiel was boring. 

After the disaster of his last attempt at a relationship Castiel was reconciled with the fact that he would die a spinster beta. A perfectly agreeable non-offensive beta.

That was why he was standing in front of his new neighbours' house with welcome to the neighbourhood cookies. Everyone on the street just assumed that well-mannered Castiel would be the one to welcome the new couple to the neighbourhood.

He tripped on his way up their driveway but thankfully didn't drop the cookies. He made his way up the steps of their porch then rang the doorbell.

He waited. No one answered.

He pressed the button again.

This time there was a crash from inside. Castiel's eyebrows shot up. There was another crash. His eyes went wide. He could hear someone doing a poor job at whispering frantically from the other side of the door.

_Open it._

_I can't just **open** it._

_Do you want me to open it?_

_No!_

Castiel backed down two steps when the frantic whispering turned into growls.

_Fine! I'll open it!_

The door swung open. A tall man stood framed in the doorway in nothing but a towel around his hips and huge bronze wings displayed wide. Castiel backed up a bit more. This had to be the alpha.

The alpha grinned at him down at him. Castiel was caught up in very green eyes.

"Hi. Name's Dean. You're our across the street neighbour, right?" Dean said as he came down the front steps in just the towel using his wings to cover his upper half‒ though none too carefully. Castiel gave an exaggerated nod and held out the tray of cookies. Dean smiled wide and took them. He waved behind himself, "The big hairy alpha hiding behind me is Benny."

Castiel gulped. _Dean_ was the omega? How much bigger could Dean's alpha be? Castiel's eyes went wide once more when a bulky alpha stepped out from the behind the door.

Benny gave Castiel a friendly wave and came up beside Dean, "Hello."

The alpha and omega stared at him. Benny ducked around Dean's wings and wrapped an arm around Dean's waist. He nudged Dean forward just a little. Dean shot Benny a look that probably meant something between the couple but Castiel didn't know what so he just gaped at them like the socially stunted beta he was.

Dean turned back to Castiel, "So what's your name?"

"Cas—" Castiel's throat convulsed in surprise. Benny was casually rubbing his knuckles over Dean's side but apparently that was something of a turn on for Dean because Castiel's nose was suddenly flooded with the scent of slick.

"Cas?" Dean said. He inched closer. "And....you're a beta?"

Castiel nodded. He couldn't get his mouth to work.

Dean and Benny shared a look again. Dean's wings ruffled suggestively as Benny's knuckles dipped lower down Dean's back.

"Well...come around whenever you feel like. We're a friendly bunch over here." Benny said. He pulled Dean closer to himself and scented at the side of Dean's neck‒ _in public._

"I'll drop by and bring your tray back later." Dean said. His eyes flicked over Castiel quickly before he spun on his heel and practically bounced up the steps, wings swaying in invitation, and into the house.

Benny said a polite goodbye and followed after him.

Castiel stood on their front pathway for a moment before retreating to his home. He had said one word‒ no. He had said half a word, _Cas—_ that whole time. No wonder he was going to die alone. He couldn't even form a coherent sentence in front of his neighbours.

\---

It wasn't that he had been spying on his neighbours it was just hard not to notice them working in their front yard. They had been at it the past week and had even asked for his advice for where they should put flower beds and what type of plants were good for their zone and had offered the use of their gardening tools in exchange.

So he had come to the knowledge that they had a wheelbarrow he could borrow through entirely neighbourly means and not from watching the way their clothing clung to them as they worked in the heat.

He really should have bought his own wheelbarrow years ago but he found that he didn't need one often enough to merit buying one. 

He knocked on his neighbours' door and waited.

Benny answered the door. "Hey Cas." Benny said warmly.

Dean snaked in behind him, bronze coloured wings out, and slid his hands around Benny's chest. He pressed his face into his neck. Castiel blushed when Dean started gently mouthing at the mating bite there and the scent of aroused omega filled the air around them.

"Sorry." Benny said motioning to Dean but making no effort to stop him. "He gets demanding when his heat hits."

"I do not." Dean retorted and promptly went back to licking the side of Benny's neck.

Castiel's blushed furiously. "I'll...ah....I can come back later." He took a step back and tripped down the steps.

"Oh, don't worry. You know how it is with omegas." Benny said. That got a sharp look from Dean but didn't stop him. Benny shifted and slid his own hand around Dean, letting it glide to his mate's back- very probably to sink his fingers into Dean's feather if the desperate moan from Dean was anything to go by. Benny glanced over at Dean with a smug smile on his face before turning back to Castiel. "So neighbour, just visiting?"

Castiel took a deep breath to try and force himself to stop blushing. It didn't help. All he could smell was slick. "I- uh- umm.....wheelbarrow?"

Dean stopped mouthing at Benny's neck and turned a blank look on Castiel. It slowly morphed into a sly grin. "Wheelbarrow, huh?" He glanced at Benny then back at Castiel. He licked his lips. "I can do that."

Castiel stared puzzled.

"I'm sure you can." Benny said. He gave Dean a kiss then pushed him back gently. "Why don't you get started while I show Castiel where the shed is?"

Dean glanced back to Castiel. He tipped his chin up, exposing miles of neck, then spun around and started up a flight of stairs just behind Benny. He stopped halfway up and stretched his wings wide, all that sensitive skin between his wings on display. Not that Castiel was looking.

Benny stepped outside and closed the door behind him. "I can barely keep up with him when he's like that. We really need to find another mate soon." He remarked casually as he lead Castiel around the side of the house to the backyard.

"Ah." Castiel said intelligently as he tripped over his own feet. He didn't need any help to make a fool of himself.

"We almost mated another alpha a few years ago but it was too much alpha in one house." Benny said. He opened the shed and went in. A moment later he _carried_ the wheelbarrow out in one hand. "If we had just went with tradition it would have saved us a lot of trouble. We would have known two alphas was too much." Benny put the wheelbarrow down in front of him. "We definitely need someone more reliable."

Castiel nodded. "Alphas _are_....." He gulped as he watched Benny slide his hand over his mating bite and squeezed. "...more competitive."

"That they are." Benny said rubbing his quite frankly _huge_ hand over his neck.

Castiel mumbled something that sounded like thanks and wheeled the wheelbarrow out- only tripping twice- before he died of embarrassment. He had practically barged in on an alpha while his omega was in heat. He really knew how to stick his nose in where it didn't belong.

\---

"Cas!"

Castiel looked up, immediately recognizing Dean's cheery voice. Two familiar faces were smiling at him. "Hello Benny, Dean."

"Fancy meeting you here." Benny said.

"This is the only department store on the island." Castiel said then wondered why anyone ever talked to him. _The only department store on the island?_ He might as well have just blurted out the statistical likelihood of running into anyone in town.

Dean pointed over to a bin of discounted bedsheets. "We got kind of carried away last week. The sheets didn't make it."

"Oh." Castiel squeaked out.

Dean grabbed a set of hideous orange sheets from the bin. "What do you think of orange?"

"I uh...." Castiel cast a quick gaze across the less offensive colour choices. He would be a terrible neighbour and an even worse beta if he let them walk out of the store with that colour. He leaned over and picked up a different set. He read the tag, "How about mocha?"

"Awesome." Dean grabbed the mocha coloured sheets and tucked them under his arm. "Mind showing us around the rest of the store?" Dean said as he looped his free arm around Castiel's arm. "I'm sure you know _exactly_ how the store is _organized."_

"Umm...okay." Castiel glanced over at Benny. Benny smiled at him and motioned for him to start moving. Castiel looked around, "What're you looking for?"

\---

Castiel rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he shuffled through his house to answer the door. He opened it up to see a panicked looking Dean on his front step.

"Cas! I need your help!" Dean wailed.

"I uh..." Castiel blinked. His brain still wasn't quite working. "What's wrong?"

"It's Benny's birthday today and I completely forgot!" Dean said. He leaned in closer, "Would I be a horrible neighbour if I asked for some last minute suggestions?"

"Not at all." Castiel said.

"Great!" Dean barged in.

Castiel stared. He hadn't expected Dean to just come in and make his way to his living room. He glanced down at himself. He was entertaining an omega in his living room. He was still in his pajamas and fuzzy slippers. "Sorry for my state of undress. If you don't mind waiting a minute‒"

"It's fine. Whatever you're comfortable in. I'm the one who interrupted your morning." Dean said looking around. He sat down on Castiel couch and surveyed the neatly organized coffee table books. "You house is really clean and tidy."

"Thank you." Castiel said. He toed his fuzzy slippers off. Bare feet seemed slightly less impolite than stereotypical beta-green fuzzy slippers.

"Our place is always a mess." Dean said gravely, "No beta touch to it all."

"Oh....that's unfortunate." Castiel said as he sat down in an arm chair across from Dean. "Did you have any broad ideas in mind? For Benny's birthday?"

"I think I want to make him dinner but I suck at cooking." Dean said sadly. He slumped into the couch. He sighed loud and long. "I just can't ever get it right." He paused for a moment before looking up hopefully at Castiel, "You made those cookies, right?"

"Yes." Castiel said.

"....you.....think you could help me make dinner for him?" Dean asked.

Castiel felt his mouth drop open. Dean wanted him to help make dinner? For his alpha?

"Benny won't mind." Dean said. He looked at Castiel with pleading eyes. "I don't know what else to do. You'd be a real life saver."

Castiel shifted uncomfortably on the spot torn between being a helpful neighbour and being a polite unmated beta. "I...."

" _Please?"_ Dean begged.

"Alright." Castiel said.

"Great!" Dean said brightening up considerably. "Benny doesn't get home until three. Do you think that's enough time?"

"What do you want to make?" Castiel asked not really sure how he had been roped in to helping an omega cook for their alpha mate.

Dean started telling him ideas, each more horrible than the next; not that Castiel would actually say that.

"Ummm....why don't you do something a bit more simple?" Castiel said after Dean finished describing an eight course meal where every meal clashed with the one before and after it.

"Like what?" Dean asked.

Castiel paused to think. "What did you have on your first date?"

"Hamburgers, fries, and milkshakes." Dean said immediately.

\---

Castiel followed Dean through the front door with an arm full of groceries. They'd be making hamburgers, fries, and milkshakes from the ground up. Dean had even bought an ice cream maker.

"Sorry the place is a mess." Dean said.

Castiel maneuvered the bags of groceries around in his arms to close the front door behind him. He turned back around to follow Dean. "Oh that's alri—"

Castiel's jaw dropped. He had never seen a house in such a state of disarray. Benny and Dean's home looked _ransacked_. He made a strangled noise. The mess affronted his basic beta sensibilities.

"Yeah....we never get time to clean up with just the two of us." Dean said mournfully.

Castiel snapped his mouth shut and nodded. He fought the itch to start cleaning up.

Dean led him into a kitchen. It was a disaster.

"You definitely need to find a beta mate." Castiel said without thinking. His face flushed when he realized he had said that allowed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

"No, no. You're right." Dean said pushing aside a stack of dishes. "We do. We _definitely_ do." He started taking the groceries out of the bag. "So where do we start?"

Castiel looked around the kitchen. "....we're going to have to clean up first."

\---

Cleaning the kitchen turned into cleaning most of the house. Castiel just _couldn't_ leave it in such a state of disarray. Dean followed him around each room telling him where things went and waiting to hand him the correct cleaner whenever he asked. Dean had tried to help at first but Castiel soon discovered that Dean was more of a hindrance than a help. It wasn't for lack of trying. It was simply that Dean was an omega. Everyone knew alphas and omegas weren't predisposed to the monotony of cleaning. It was a beta's job.

It was just unfortunate circumstance that his neighbours didn't have a beta mate yet.

So he cleaned as quickly and thoroughly as he could before finally deeming the house acceptable to cook in.

\---

Dean was a disaster in the kitchen too.

Castiel snatched a jar of paprika off Dean before he dumped the entire thing into the hamburger.

"Sorry." Dean said. He waved a hand over at the earlier failed attempt at hamburger patties that Dean had burned. "I wasn't lying about sucking at cooking. Benny cooks everything." He picked up a fry that was burnt on the outside and undercooked on the inside. Castiel still wasn't sure how Dean had managed that. Dean chomped on it and made a face. He set the half eaten fry down. "I'm kind of a hopeless omega when it comes to cooking."

Castiel kept his mouth shut. Dean was beyond hopeless. He'd almost swear Dean was burning things on purpose. "You're not that bad. You just need some practice...and supervision. Lots of supervision."

Dean nodded solemnly. He picked up another fry. "Supervision." He popped the fry into his mouth. "I definitely need some super‒" He pulled another face and quickly spit out the half chewed fry.

Castiel picked up the plate and headed for the garbage. "Let's throw these ones out and start again."

\---

When they heard Benny open the front door they were just finishing putting the hamburgers together.

Dean went out to greet Benny in the hall. Castiel pulled out plates and started loading them up with French fries- he had banned Dean from touching the deep fryer- and a burger a piece, though they had ended up with six acceptable hamburgers in the end.

He'd leave Dean to make the milkshakes. He didn't think Dean could burn those but who knew. Dean's kitchen skills were impressively bad. He wondered what Dean did when Benny wasn't home to cook.

He was gathering up his jacket when Benny came into the kitchen.

"Hey Cas." Benny said warmly. "Dean tells me you were cooking all day."

"Helping. Dean cooked." Castiel said. It was a lie but every alpha wanted to know that their omega cared enough to try and cook. "I just made some suggestions."

"Saved my ass is more like it." Dean swept past Benny and went straight to the cupboard with the plates. He took out a plate and put together another hamburger. He loaded the plate up with fries then gathered up the other two plates Castiel had put together. He set them down at the kitchen table. "You want a milkshake Cas?"

"What?" Castiel asked bewildered. He stared at Dean. He dragged his eyes slowly away from Dean to look at the table where there were three places set. He looked back to Dean. "Oh....I uh...."

"Oh come on. You cooked everything." Dean said taking out three glasses. "It's only fair that you get to eat the fruits of your labour."

"I....uh...." Castiel said again.

Benny's hands- huge hands- settled on his shoulders before guiding him over to the kitchen table. "We don't mind a little more help to celebrate our anniversary."

Castiel's mind ground to a halt. Anniversary? He had thought Dean had said birthday. He had just insinuated himself into a mated couples' anniversary!

"No. No. I don't want to impose." Castiel said backing up. He slipped out from under Benny's hands, stumbled into a kitchen chair, danced around with it, then finally made a dash for the door. "Have a happy anniversary!" He called over his shoulder.

\---

Castiel avoided his neighbours for a week. He couldn't believe he had dug himself into such a deep hole. No wonder Dean had spent the last half an hour that day checking the clock constantly. He was probably hoping Castiel would get the hint and leave.

His phone ringing marked the end of his week long isolation.

"Hello?"

"Cas." It was Benny's warm voice that greeted him, "You mind helping me? If you're not busy?"

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut. He had crashed their anniversary just a week ago. Just because he was going to die of embarrassment didn't mean he should give his neighbours- who had only ever been helpful- the cold shoulder. "I'm not busy. What is it you need?"

"Well, I was wondering if you could come over." Benny drawled. "I screwed up some of my feathers and I can't quite reach them and Dean's not around."

"Oh..." Castiel said not sure if he was hearing the conversation right.

"They're pinching a nerve in my back. I just need you to straighten them out." Benny said as if asking an unmated beta to help rearrange feathers was perfectly normal.

"Oh...I...umm....alright." Castiel said.

"Great." Benny said. "Dean's right. You're a real life saver."

Benny hung up. Castiel stared at the phone. He was making a bigger deal out of this than it was. Benny needed help. It wasn't Benny's fault that he was being an immature beta about all this. He screwed up his courage, found his shoes, and walked across the street. He would be mature about this. Sometimes you just _couldn't_ reach a spot on your own. It didn't mean anything. He would just help his neighbour as politely and professionally as possible.

Benny answered the door bare chested before Castiel could knock. Castiel sucked in a surprised breath at the site of Benny's huge russet coloured wings. They were enormous, even for an alpha.

"Cas." Benny said waving him in. "Thanks for coming."

Castiel stepped inside noting immediately that the house had stayed clean the past week. When Benny turned around to show him into the living room Castiel let out a soft hiss of sympathetic pain. The feathers between Benny's shoulders were a mess. While the location was more appropriate for a mate to be grooming them Castiel understood why Benny wouldn't want to wait. It must be painful.

Benny stopped in the middle of the living room and turned around. He spread his wings. "Thanks again."

Castiel stepped up between Benny's wings and hesitated. "Are you sure you don't want to wait for Dean?"

"It's fine." Benny said. He spread his wings wider. "I trust ya."

Castiel took a deep breath and started straightening out feathers.

He was just finishing up when Dean came home.

Castiel yanked his fingers out of Benny's feathers and stammered about how it wasn't what it looked like.

Dean looked between the two of them then calmly walked up beside Castiel. He tugged his shirt off and let his wings out. He turned his back to Castiel. "Do me."

Castiel glanced over his shoulder at Benny. Benny motioned for him to proceed with a defeated shrug as if to say, _Omegas. What are ya gonna do about 'em?_

Castiel turned back to Dean and carefully started straightening out feathers that really weren't that messy at all.

The scent of slick started wafting off Dean. Castiel pulled back. He was about to shoot an apologetic look at Benny when he smelt the very distinct scent of aroused alpha.  

"I...umm....I should probably go." Castiel said. He darted towards the front door but was stopped when Dean caught his arm. He looked at Benny and Dean nervously. He hadn't meant to come between a mated couple.

"You don't have to go." Dean said. He let go of Castiel's arm. "Unless you really want to."

".....what?" Castiel said confused.

Dean made a strange face at him. He stared back confused. Benny and Dean shared a look.

"What do you mean _what?"_ Dean said. He motioned to himself and Benny. "We're asking you if you want to stay."

Castiel squeaked out a quiet, "—huh?" He looked between them. "....aren't you.....I was grooming your mate's wings." Castiel said incredulously. Dean should be mad at him.

"Well _yeah."_ Dean said. "You've been playing _really_ hard to get."

"We weren't sure what else to do." Benny added.

".....huh?" Castiel repeated. "I don't....?"

Dean stared with wide eyes before grinning at Benny. "You see why I liked him from the get go? Too damn innocent for this world." He turned that look onto Castiel. "We've been practically _throwing_ ourselves at you." He stepped closer. "All that talk about needing a beta around and you never once thought we meant you?"

"....me?" Castiel said flabbergasted. " _Why?"_

" _Why?"_ Benny chuckled. He stepped in behind Castiel and enveloped both Dean and Castiel with his wings. "Well, to start off, my omega hasn't shut up about you since you turned up on our porch with cookies."

"What?" Castiel shot a surprised look at Dean. "But....I'm clumsy and _boring._ Even for a beta I'm boring. I don't even have a Talent."

"You're adorable." Dean said and pushed him backwards into Benny's chest. "Now quit arguing because I want to see what you've been hiding under those perfectly ironed jeans."

\---

Dean ran his fingers through the feathers of his wings. The three of them were sprawled out in the king sized bed upstairs‒ on mocha coloured sheets. Castiel sighed against Benny's chest, the heat of Dean's body draped across him keeping him warm.

"You shouldn't hide your wings all the time." Dean said.

A rougher hand slid up the arch of his wing. "They're pretty." Benny said.

"They make a mess." Castiel said. Objectively the black iridescent feathers covering his wings might be aesthetically pleasing but they were mostly a pain for someone as clumsy as him. "I knock things over and leave dust everywhere."

"It can't be that bad." Dean said.

"That's easy for you to say." Castiel shot back. "You're used to a mess."

"What?" Benny asked confused.

Dean snorted in embarrassed laughter. "I may have trashed the house last week to make sure Cas would stay until you got home."

"You did that on _purpose?"_ Castiel said horrified at anyone purposefully making their house such a mess.

Benny let his hand drop down to Castiel's back and slipped the other one onto Dean. His hands slid down until he had sunk them into the feathers at the base of both their wings. He gave a gentle squeeze. Castiel hissed with pleasure. Dean let out a pleased sigh. Benny made a deep rumbling alpha noise of approval that turned into a low chuckle. "I messed up my feathers on purpose."

Dean burst out laughing.

Castiel shook his head. What had he gotten into?

\---

Castiel trailed his hand up one side of his neck and down the other while he looked into the hallway mirror. Two new mating bites graced his neck.

"Hey." Dean said. He came down the hall carrying a box of books. He heaved it into Castiel's arms. "Don't think you're getting off easy."

Benny came up behind them carrying another box. He pushed it into Dean's arms. "Don't think you're getting off easy either."

Dean pouted at Benny but took the box.

"That's it." Benny said pointing to the box. "Last of the boxes." He flicked his eyes up to Castiel, "Ready to go home?"

Castiel nodded. He led the way across the street. Benny jogged ahead when they reached the porch to open the door for him and Dean.

Dean bounced his hip off Benny's hip as he walked through the door. Castiel smiled as he followed in after. Benny stepped inside and closed the door behind them.

Castiel was home.


End file.
